EnemiedWithMyself's Xanga

God Spoke!!!

Mon, 12 May 2008 01:32:26 GMT

THE LINK - http://www.gracecommunity.ws/node/6477

and praise Him I heard!!!

I had children's ministry this morning during the sermion, but when I got out two seperate friends told me I HAD to listen to the cd. It was titled "suffering" and since BOTH ladies said they couldnt stop thinking of me while he was preaching I figured "Why not? Maybe God will give me a bone...." Guys... God gave me a 10 course feast..I have NEVER EVER taken this many notes in my entire LIFE! *lol* I am going to post the link as soon as it goes up on my church website, but I wanted to post my notes while it's still fresh on my heart. :) Beware though...like I said there is a lot. and, my notes are missing sooooo much. Like I want to listen to this sermon again tomorrow just to hear what I missed...and the day after, and next week....you can't get any more "DIDI HEAR ME!" than this right now for me...wow...

Jeff Purswell spoke on Psalm 13 (one of my favorite psalms)...it's funny because I remember thinking I was glad I had CM 'cause Jeff's a boring speaker... I must have been thinking of someone else 'cause WOWZERS I couldn't focus on anything BUT the sermon.

Psalm 13
How Long, O LORD?
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

There is a progression of three things we see David doing in this psalm - Questioning, Requesting, and Declaring...

1. Questions - "How long oh LORD?" David asks HOW LONG 4 times in the first two verses of this Psalm. His suffering seems endless; and he asks because he wants to know if there will ever be an end. But, David isn't VENTING in this psalm. He is bringing his anguished heart to his LORD. He is turning to his God who has PROMISED to be faithful to him. He is expressing his his feelings and emotions and anguish - and he is TOTALLY right in this. God WANTS to hear our pleas. He WANTS us to tell him of our pain and sorrow and anguish.

David cries out "How long must I torment myself with worry and have sorrow in my heart ALL DAY? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" And, his suffering - MY suffering - isn't uncommon. It's not strange. And even more important GOD knows how I feel. God WANTS to stand with me in this. But, while it is ALWAYS appropriate to express my suffering to God it is NEVER appropriate to express ANGER towards God. (Sidenote: I had never heard this before I had always heard if we were mad at God we were SUPPOSED to tell him because He can handle it, but this is EXACTLY the mindset that Jeff was admonishing AGAINST) He is the creator of the universe, He is all knowing, all powerful, He has forgiven me ALL my sins and it is the epitamy of arrogance to think *I* have the right to be angry at HIM. The correct response if I find myself angry with God is repentance.

No relief has EVER come from replaying, rehearsing, rehashing the failures, the ways we messed it up, the ways we will never get it right... or even the pain, the suffering, the trails to replay it over and over and over in our minds and our hearts can ACTUALLY be pride... my repalying my sins over and over in my head is me trying to deliver myself. *I NEED GOD* I neeeeeed to cry out to Him to deliver me. I CANT DO IT!! James 5:13a Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. LET HIM PRAY!! Crawl to your altar and pray - HE PROMISES grace!!!! (I loved that picture of crawling 'cause somedays that's how it is....just enough strength to crawl to Him for help)

2. Requests - David makes 3 requests
A:Consider me
B: Look Upon Me (desiring God's presence)
C: Light up my eyes - could be physical healing, but is also a cry for spiritual illumination

He desires to be near to God. He wants close fellowship with Him. Needy people need God - *I* NEED GOD! What is my greatest need? When I think of my suffering...what do I consider at the TOP of my list for greatest need? What I really need.... I NEED the one who binds the brokenhearted. I need the one who overcame HELL...I NEED GOD!

3. Declarations - David transferred his focus from his pain to remembering who God is.

A: God's unfailing love - This is God's freely given, merciful, condescending, loyal COVENANT love. This is God's commitment to GRAB YOU by the ankles AND NOT LET YOU GO love. If you are His He is GRABBING you by the ankle and NOT LETTING GO!!! I have this love... YOU have this love.... Gpd doesn't retire from His love for me. He doesn't save me and then go sit in an office somewhere and wait until there is REAL suffering or until He thinks I have "suffered enough". He has set His affections upon me and PLEDGED Himself to me. How do you RESPOND to a God like that?? You trust Him. You rest in Him. REST IN HIM! You lay aside the doubts, and the worry, and the accusations - and you trust Him. Your circumstances might not change, the pain might not go away, the grief might not subside, BUT when you cling fast to God you are clinging to the one who will sustain you through the suffering, be with you IN the suffering, and will use EVERY SECOND for your good and His glory. There will not be a regret unredeemed or a sin unforgiven - HE'S WITH YOU AND HE'S USING IT!!

B: Salvation - God delivers and rescues. David's circumstance ddin't change. His trial didn't go away. And to an outsider looking in there would be no reason to believe ANYTHING had changed, but David's SOUL - EVERYTHING had changed.

We tend to think in the midst of suffering that this is the most serious condition that has ever existed. the TRUTH is - my sin greatly exceeds the seriousness of my suffering. Standing GUILTY before the perfectly holy and righteous God who deserves only my undtying allegiance and who MUST punish all sin HUGELY transcends ANY suffering I am facing. And THAT has been FULLLLLY remedied in The Cross. Whether I am facing serious suffering or minor suffering I need to let the Gospel put my suffering into perspective.

When David says at the end "He has dealt bountifully with me" this isn't a "He probably will someday" or even a "Yeah sure He will...." it's a CERTAIN HE HAS!! And it's an expression of certainty not an act of denial. David isn't saying the pain is gone all's well, he is saying - that no matter HOW MUCH suffering we face in our lives God HAS dealt bountifully with us. WE WILL STAND on that day when we are Heaven and we look back on our lives and NO ONE will say " God could have done a better job." "God could have been more faithful to me or better to me or more kind..." We will say GOD HAS DEALT BOUNTIFULLY.

This psalm doesnt just express David's heart, but Jesus' as well. Jesus knew suffering - only His suffering wasn't because He was born a sinful man it's because HE TOOK MY SIN. God turned His face away from Jesus because *I* turned MY face away from God....BUT.... because God turned His face away from Jesus He turns His face TOWARDS US!!!

We who are saved can say in the midst of our suffering "God has dealt bountifully with me."

Wow....

Mia nad I's "battle"

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:50:39 GMT

Mia, 6, the "I am going to kill myself" 6 year old and I kinda had it out today... oh mylanta I was sooo angry and impatient. I really hope I didn't completely sin against her, but I was almost in tears I didn't know what to do. She was hitting people, kicking, throwing things, she broke a glass item, she was pulling leaves off of plants indoors... TOTALLY acting like a spoiled 2/3 year old and I didn't know what to do! It finally came down to she was playing with glitter I told her and told her that if she took it out upstairs I would throw it out. So, she "sneakily" puts it in her shirt pocket and an hour later starts throwing it at stuff in the house. I ripped her shirt off of her and dumped all the glitter in the trash. THEN she got mad about something and was doing all her stuff and HIT me, so I put her in the bathroom for timeout and SHE FILLED THE SOAP WITH WATER AND SPRAYED LYSOL EVERYWHERE!!! *argh* THEN... at lunch I finally picked her up because she was being SO nasty telling people she was gonna punch them and hurt them and never listen, I took her to the other room and asked her why she was angry "You're not letting me do what I want when I want to do it." Besides the fact that she was being a brat I 100% understand that sentiment, and I told her that. I told her I face that all the time, but in real life we have stuff we cannot do and we have consequences and that I Was going to start being super clear and tell her all of the things she would lose and if she lost EVERYTHING by the end of the day I would be sad and she would be sad, but she HAD to listen. She kept being a brat, so I told her she was about to lose cookies... I don't know what happened, but she believed me and the rest of the day was REALLY good. I am sure I will start having to take stuff away because I am sure today was not the only testing, but it did feel good to "win" a little. *phew* pray for me ladies... this girl is going to stretch me.

This ride is REALLY fast - Can you let me off at the next stop?

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:09:52 GMT

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Wow... God is doing sooooo much in my lives and the lives around me right now it's a little hard to keep up.

I moved out of my house, moved caregroups, am getting to know a new household, new rules, new standards, new ways of dealing with things, I am learning new walking routes and ways to get places, the relationships in my life are shifting around at alarming rates, and God is doing like MAJOR shakedown, tear apart killing lies replacing with truth surgery on my heart - IN THE SPAN OF A WEEK! *lol*

Needless to say - being Didi - I am a little emotional right now. :-p But, God is SO intentional in all of this, so purposeful, it feels REALLY fast and semi out of control to me, but He is COMPLETELY in control and He is controlling the speed of life and the things that are happening and He is LOVING AND KIND in this!

This morning I realized really strongly that I am single right now BECAUSE He loves me. Most of my friends are in relationships right now because He loves THEM. AAAAAND...they are my friends, ie MY friends are all in relationships, because He loves ME! He was so kind to make me aware that I have been believing lies again. Believing that my friends were receiving good and I was a few steps behind, but it's not like that. I am not single because I am immature or fat or ungodly or any of the other reasons I give myself - I am single because God is GOOD! I am single because He is kind and gracious and merciful to me - and He is doing GOOD in my life through singleness. Good and work and change that would not be best done through a relationship.

The other thing I realized that was really REALLY good for me to be made aware of, but hard in some ways too, was that my craving for a relationship isn't rooted in a desire to serve another. It isn't even rooted in a desire to have a baby or any of that... it's rooted in a desire to have someone love me more than anyone else. To have ONE person who will say "Didi, I want love and desire you more than any other person on the planet." And.. God was SOOOOO kind to reveal that to me. To show me how UGLY my desires are AAAAAND how they are impossible to fill my ANYONE other than Him. Wow. HE loves me perfectly and will NEVER love any other human more than He loves me. And... I am 100% safe in that and NEVER have to fear He will divorce me or leave me or "fall more in love" with someone other than me. And even the most Godly amazing wonderful guy will never love me perfectly or sinlessly. A human being cannot ONLY God can.

AND GOD DOES!!!!!!!!!!!

What the righteousness of God is revealing in my sinful heart

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:38:00 GMT

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God has been doing much in my heart and life lately. Like, there seems to be a steady work being done and I am SO grateful. I feel almost as if I am living someone else's life at times because I hear things that I am saying or thoughts I am thinking and I'm like "Woah! That was like something Rebekah/Lydia/Stephanie would have said! Where did THAT come from?" *lol* And, He is making is so so so abundantly clear that it is ALL in Him AND it is ALL undeserved.

Last Tuesday, as most of you know, I applied to a live-in nanny position in Ashburn, what MOST of you probably do not know is that night I had one of the worst "episodes" I've had in a while. Completely overtaken by sinfullness. It started out as depression and turned to a total consumption of...rage? I felt depressed, did what I felt I needed to do in order to not have it escalate (had a mini quiet time, took some pills to help me sleep, eventually tried to get in contact with a friend because it was getting worse) and when these things didn't help, especially when my friend didn't respond on the forum I desired - I became consumed with this anger like I don't remember feeling in a looong time. I came very close to cutting myself (and I don't even know why I did not, so that must have completely been God's protection over me) and basically cussed my friend out to anyone who would listen. I was a complete mess and by the time I eventually fell asleep I had terrified myself. I didn't even know who this person was.

Well, the next morning I was just awash in...remorse? No, it was more like condemnation/self-loathing. I hated what I had been the night before and I knew that I didn't deserve anything even remotely like that nannying job. I started my quiet time by just praying psalms outloud to The Lord and it was going fine until I got to Psalm 18:20 - 24... and I couldn't even read them at first.

20The LORD dealt with me* according to my righteousness*;
*according to the cleanness of my hands* he rewarded me.
21For *I have kept the ways of the LORD*,
and *(I)have not wickedly departed from my God*.
22For(AI) all his rules[c] were before me,
and his statutes *I did not put away from me*.
23*I was blameless* before him,
and *I kept myself from my guilt*.
24So the LORD has rewarded* me according to my righteousness*,
*according to the cleanness of my hands* in his sight.

I was overtaken for a couple minutes just how completely FALSE this was... MY righteousness?! MY clean hands? I had done NOTHING to deserve God's favor or blessing... NOTHING. But, by His immense grace I didn't stay there as I may have done before I was immediately even MORE overwhelmed that CHRIST was perfectly righteous, perfectly clean, guiltless... HE was who God was basing the favor on my life. Wow.

I was still terrified to go to CareGroup because we all know that when I'm not having a "good day" it shows EVERYWHERE! In my face, in my body language, in the tone of my voice...and usually I just end up blurting it out anyways. So, I went to Caregroup expecting/hoping that my friend would not hate me because of the anger of the night before (it was never DIRECTLY expressed to her, but being Didi I had told her some about it Wed morning) and instead of merely ignoring me or just being polite to me - she pulled me aside and just...loved me? Shared some of God's work in her own heart and life, and God used it to make me feel not quite so alone. And the rest of CG went well...

Well, then that night God just started doing something in my heart - giving me really specific prayer burdens for specific people and eventually giving me specific words and verses to encourage them with. Apparently, God DID use my words to encourage. I got the nannying job. On Easter I was able to sing with the choir (SO fun) and after people were commenting to me that it had encouraged them having me sing with the choir. I didn't GET it... *I* am Didi the loser of GCC, the one who never gets it right and CONSTANTLY fails... I even tried to deflect their encouragement by making something up to make myself sound goofy/silly the way Didi is "supposed" to be. I mean, these people were basically saying I was giving glory to God and that really freaked me out. But, then I realized YET AGAIN - it's not me - IT'S HIM! And by making something up (besides the fact that I was lying - and I did ask those I had lied to's forgiveness and explained why I felt the need) I was actually discounting the work that God is doing.

So, I am a bit overwhelmed at God's powerful work in my life - I am not sure what to do with it sometimes or how to express what God is doing without boasting in myself. Like, my whole life I have recounted all the screwed up messed up things I have done - and I am having a hard time relaying what GOOD God is doing without sounding like I am trying to take glory for myself. Because of God's power and grace and work there are things I am "getting right" and I don't know what to do with that! *lol*

For everyone who knows me please help me to keep my gaze on The Savior if I share something with you that sounds Didi glorifying please tell me! Please tell me how to better keep the focus on Christ whether I am having a "good day" or a "bad" one! I want to REFLECT Christ...not have people see that "Didi reflects Christ"

Love you all!

Monday, March 03, 2008

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 18:20:04 GMT

Just an update...

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2:17pm Today | Edit Note | Delete

Ephraim Matthew Nordyke is the actual spelling of his name. I got it wrong everywhere. :-p

God is being SOOO gracious with my family. We are all (well, all who are old enough to "get it") very aware of HOW purposeful and GOOD God is in this. Our faith and trust in The Lord has grown leaps and bounds over the past few days.

The church is being SO kind... my parents' caregroup just enveloped Mimi and I in prayer and love after church yesterday. My caregroup is calling, texting, emailing just to let me know they love me and are praying for my family... it's amazing to me how wonderfully God designed the church... i LOVE being part of a community. Even Mum said today that the only bad part is we live so far away it's really hard to be as much a part as we want to - but I think things are good.

There is a lot of tears and talking it through - but that's okay. I was SO blessed yesterday through counsel that I can 100% be honoring God and beliving God...and still cry. God is not ashamed of my grief. That was REALLY REALLY...freeing? I had felt so condemned because I thought that if I was upset then it meant I wasn't trusting God.

Today I had the sweetest quiet time on my lunch break. Just sitting in the sunshine - praying psalms - and just praying for myself and my family and my friends. God totally refreshed and met me.

I am lonely now, but that's totally normal for mondays when i am at work along for 4 hours. But, that's okay. God is 100% with me, and for me... and I AM NOT ALONE! That seems to be the theme of my past...month? God is FOR me and I am NOT ALONE!

Grace

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 02:14:20 GMT

Grace unmeasured vast and free...

This has been a really "hard week" - I have struggled a lot, and hurt a lot, and it's been harder in some aspects than it could have been - and I failed A LOT. I took a hard week and instead of honoring God with it - crying out in desperation - asking for help - I just gave up. I could make SO many excuses, and the would be true. But, all that REALLY matters is I sinned hugely and I was forgiven WAY huger.

There is NO reason God should have blessed me this week. There is nothing I did that showed I somehow deserved His favor or kindness. I was selfish and spiteful, arrogant and rude, and...I sinned in ways I have sinned a million times before. And He forgave me.

I guess that's what grace is about...at the deepest most meatiest part... grace is about me completely and totally and utterly NOT getting what I deserved. God looking at me and NOT pouring down His wrath, NOT rejecting me, NOT calling me what I am...

I am your beloved, your creation, and you love me as I am - you have called me chosen for your kingdom, unashamed to call me your own - I am your beloved

God is kinda loud...

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 18:59:46 GMT

So, I DONT wanna hear truth today. I don't wanna believe it. I don't wanna have any part of it. I just wanna focus on how fat I am and force myself to get attractive and make life better...

but no God isn't all about that... no matter how hard I try to NOT hear him THIS is the song He has stuck in my head

When Love Came Down

When love came down to earth and made His home with men,
*The hopeless found a hope, the sinner found a friend.*
Not to the powerful, but to the poor He came,
And humble hungry hearts were satisfied in Him.

What joy, what peace has come to us!
What hope, what help, what love!

When every unclean thought and every sinful deed
Was scourged upon His back and hammered through His feet,
The innocent is cursed, the guilty are released-
The punishment of God on God has brought me peace.

***Come lay your heavy load down at the Master’s feet
Your shame will be removed, your joy will be complete.
Come crucify your pride and enter as a child,
For those who bow down low, He’ll lift up to His side. ***

I am sitting here at work CRYING because everything inside just hurts so much and... I don't get this. I am sooooo not someone who shines God's light and goodness MY life is shitty and sooooo doesn't honor Him and yet HE WONT LET ME GO!

Dude. if anyone walks in here and see the receptionist bawling her eyes sooo not god.

DOH! someone just came in... argh. thankfully I was able to look semi decent.

It would be nice if I didn't know they were lying...

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 20:15:30 GMT

Mum was telling someone today how hard I've been working at losing weight... I haven't really at all. I treadmill like once or twice a week if that and I still eat like a pig. I am a fat overstuffed pig. When she said this the lady she was talking to said she could tell I'd been losing weight - WHATEVER!! I am sure she was trying to be kind - it WAS kind of her to say it, but I am soooo far from anyone being able to tell I am trying to lose weight.

I am grateful my appetite came back because it means I don't feel as sick, but the bad part about being hungry again is I'll eat and just gain more weight. All I can think about for the past like 20 minutes is food. I've already had over 700... SEVEN HUNDRED calories today and it's not even dinner time yet... if I really wanna lose weight I need to not want food all the time.

To Whom It May Concern...

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 01:06:19 GMT

If you read my blog, and don't actually know me - DONT ASK ME TO DATE YOU!!!

And if you don't fulfill this, don't even bother TRYING to get to know me - someone who loves Jesus more then he could ever love me, but loves me second ONLY to Jesus Someone who will hold me while I cry, point me to truth and not let me wallow in self-pity, but will always be gentle and loving even when I am being stupid and irrational. Someone I can serve alongside wholeheartedly. Someone I can be his helpmate and his right hand girl. Someone who loves to worship passionately and is bold, but not fake. Genuine. i want a guy who is genuine and is able to admit he is a sinner who needs a savior.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 18:42:07 GMT

some thoughts i had during church today...

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2:38pm Today | Edit Note | Delete

everyone who is a Christian has self-control. some people might have a harder time in certain areas, and there may very well be mental/psychological or ven physical issues that affect people differently, but we all have the power of Christ to do good. i FEEL out of control when i get these bouts of depression, but i can use selfcontrol to not be unkind or impatient with my sister and family. it might feel like i am dying inside, but i can choose to not take it out on them.

i was reading a book called "love to eat hate to eat" yesterday and got really angry inside when the author said that eating disorders are labels for sin. that people are not anerexic or bulimic - they are behaving that way or acting in that way. i was upset because i KNOW what it feels like to feel controlled by something like that. but today, i realized that we can't always control what we feel, but we can control how we act. we can CHOOSE to believe truth or at least ot act upon truth and ask God to allow us to believe it. 'cause God's truth is true whether we believe it or not.

i hate depression. but God is using it. i am having to cling to God closer and harder than i ever imagined i even could. i cried a lot during church today. i cried during worship while i sang truth about God. i cried during communion as i realized that i HAD to look to Him because i don't know how to try harder. i dont know how to believe more. i dont know how to make this darkness inside lift, but i DO know God will not change. i DO know that Jesus died for my sins and the sins i am tempted towards because of this depression. i cired during the sermon as i heard that The Word is my light and i knew it's the only light i am seeing right now. i cried while i confessed to my friend that sometimes it does hurt being single in a sea of couples. but... it's okay. God is using my tears to let me fall into Him. i need Him...and that's a good place to be.

i don't know all reads this or what your specific struggles are, but i do know this - God is there. God is good and faithful and true. He loves you so much that He sent His son to DIE for you. And, I can't explain why bad stuff happens in our lives, but I promise you that if you just keep looking to HIM you will see His faithfulness. It might not look like you want it to, and you might feel like you are totally alone and there is no one in the world who gets what you're going through - but I believe with all of my heart that God is for you. He isn't punishing you. He isn't neglecting you. He isn't ignoring you. He loves you, He cherishes you, and if you are a Christian one day all of this shit on earth will dissapear and you will spend ETERNITY in complete and total joy.