God has been doing much in my heart and life lately. Like, there seems to be a steady work being done and I am SO grateful. I feel almost as if I am living someone else's life at times because I hear things that I am saying or thoughts I am thinking and I'm like "Woah! That was like something Rebekah/Lydia/Stephanie would have said! Where did THAT come from?" *lol* And, He is making is so so so abundantly clear that it is ALL in Him AND it is ALL undeserved.

Last Tuesday, as most of you know, I applied to a live-in nanny position in Ashburn, what MOST of you probably do not know is that night I had one of the worst "episodes" I've had in a while. Completely overtaken by sinfullness. It started out as depression and turned to a total consumption of...rage? I felt depressed, did what I felt I needed to do in order to not have it escalate (had a mini quiet time, took some pills to help me sleep, eventually tried to get in contact with a friend because it was getting worse) and when these things didn't help, especially when my friend didn't respond on the forum I desired - I became consumed with this anger like I don't remember feeling in a looong time. I came very close to cutting myself (and I don't even know why I did not, so that must have completely been God's protection over me) and basically cussed my friend out to anyone who would listen. I was a complete mess and by the time I eventually fell asleep I had terrified myself. I didn't even know who this person was.

Well, the next morning I was just awash in...remorse? No, it was more like condemnation/self-loathing. I hated what I had been the night before and I knew that I didn't deserve anything even remotely like that nannying job. I started my quiet time by just praying psalms outloud to The Lord and it was going fine until I got to Psalm 18:20 - 24... and I couldn't even read them at first.

20The LORD dealt with me* according to my righteousness*;
*according to the cleanness of my hands* he rewarded me.
21For *I have kept the ways of the LORD*,
and *(I)have not wickedly departed from my God*.
22For(AI) all his rules[c] were before me,
and his statutes *I did not put away from me*.
23*I was blameless* before him,
and *I kept myself from my guilt*.
24So the LORD has rewarded* me according to my righteousness*,
*according to the cleanness of my hands* in his sight.

I was overtaken for a couple minutes just how completely FALSE this was... MY righteousness?! MY clean hands? I had done NOTHING to deserve God's favor or blessing... NOTHING. But, by His immense grace I didn't stay there as I may have done before I was immediately even MORE overwhelmed that CHRIST was perfectly righteous, perfectly clean, guiltless... HE was who God was basing the favor on my life. Wow.

I was still terrified to go to CareGroup because we all know that when I'm not having a "good day" it shows EVERYWHERE! In my face, in my body language, in the tone of my voice...and usually I just end up blurting it out anyways. So, I went to Caregroup expecting/hoping that my friend would not hate me because of the anger of the night before (it was never DIRECTLY expressed to her, but being Didi I had told her some about it Wed morning) and instead of merely ignoring me or just being polite to me - she pulled me aside and just...loved me? Shared some of God's work in her own heart and life, and God used it to make me feel not quite so alone. And the rest of CG went well...

Well, then that night God just started doing something in my heart - giving me really specific prayer burdens for specific people and eventually giving me specific words and verses to encourage them with. Apparently, God DID use my words to encourage. I got the nannying job. On Easter I was able to sing with the choir (SO fun) and after people were commenting to me that it had encouraged them having me sing with the choir. I didn't GET it... *I* am Didi the loser of GCC, the one who never gets it right and CONSTANTLY fails... I even tried to deflect their encouragement by making something up to make myself sound goofy/silly the way Didi is "supposed" to be. I mean, these people were basically saying I was giving glory to God and that really freaked me out. But, then I realized YET AGAIN - it's not me - IT'S HIM! And by making something up (besides the fact that I was lying - and I did ask those I had lied to's forgiveness and explained why I felt the need) I was actually discounting the work that God is doing.

So, I am a bit overwhelmed at God's powerful work in my life - I am not sure what to do with it sometimes or how to express what God is doing without boasting in myself. Like, my whole life I have recounted all the screwed up messed up things I have done - and I am having a hard time relaying what GOOD God is doing without sounding like I am trying to take glory for myself. Because of God's power and grace and work there are things I am "getting right" and I don't know what to do with that! *lol*

For everyone who knows me please help me to keep my gaze on The Savior if I share something with you that sounds Didi glorifying please tell me! Please tell me how to better keep the focus on Christ whether I am having a "good day" or a "bad" one! I want to REFLECT Christ...not have people see that "Didi reflects Christ"

Love you all!